Plans B and C

The leading challenger to the emergency measures proposed by President Obama to deal with the “crisis” on our southern border is the notion of sending the National Guard down there. Instead of spending three or four billion on housing, transportation, and judges and other staff to execute the laws on the books, the National Guard would move in and...well, that hasn’t been specified yet.

According to a well known online source, the combined forces of the Army and Air National Guards of the 50 states, the District of Columbia, and three territories is roughly 462,000 men and women. This number includes the combat-ready, office staff, drivers, cooks -- the whole shootin’ match. I calculate that if all these personnel were stationed at equal intervals along the entire U.S.-Mexico border, each individual would be responsible for about 22 feet of it.

That doesn’t sound very tough at first, but consider the 40-year-old Guardsman who hasn’t done anything more strenuous than file things in triplicate for the last ten years. How is he going to catch one of these lithe and sneaky little 8-year-old Hondurans speeding across the desert like a roadrunner? Wile E. Coyote had it easier, and he had the ACME corporation behind him.

Then recall that something more than a thousand miles of the border runs down the middle of the Rio Grande. It can get deep out there. I assume here that the Guard would be posted on, not behind, the true border, because once over it the little devils are in God’s country and entitled the gentle embrace of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement folks. No, the idea surely is to stop them before they cross, and that’s going to mean SCUBA gear, at least, for about 300,000 of the guards.

How we are going to supply a 1,900-mile-long line of guards, 24/7, absolutely beats me. And who organizes the sleep rota? Do the adjacent guards shuffle back and forth to cover the gap left by a sleeper? Will this leave the other 313 million of us vulnerable to a devastating rush by Salvadoran and Guatemalan junior-high students?

I just don’t know.

P.S. Stay tuned to this blog. I am working on a plan to employ drones to drop the contraceptives not used by employees of Hobby Lobby and other devout corporations over the countries from which this Children’s Crusade originates, thus gradually eliminating the problem at its source.

UPDATE: Andy Borowitz outdoes me in this post at The New Yorker.


Help for the Little Ladies

Tip o' the beanie to Dave Weigel at Slate for this:

A congressentity from North Carolina has explained what the Republican Party needs to do to attract more votes from women:

Men do tend to talk about things on a much higher level. Many of my male colleagues, when they go to the House floor, you know, they’ve got some pie chart or graph behind them and they’re talking about trillions of dollars and how, you know, the debt is awful and, you know, we all agree with that ... we need our male colleagues to understand that if you can bring it down to a woman's level and what everything that she is balancing in her life — that’s the way to go.

Pie charts! Graphs! Eek! -- math!

She has definitely put her finger on a problem. But it's not the problem she aimed at, and it's not the finger she aimed with.


Write. Publish. Edit.

Every once in a great while I give in to the temptation to comment on Wikipedia. The comments that follow are occasioned by an article in the Wall Street Journal about a fellow who has created a "bot" that has written a couple million articles for that "encyclopedia."

1. Mike Nutter, a geography editor at Encyclopædia Britannica, created just such a program nearly 20 years ago. It was just an experiment and it was never used to produce actual copy. But there's nothing new in the idea.

2. As ever with Wikipee, the emphasis in the article is on quantity, not, you know, that other q-word.

3. Down towards the end of the article comes this minor concession:

When a project was done that needed bird photos, the bot turned to the Russian version of Wikimedia Commons, which provides millions of free-to-use images.

But at the time, Lsjbot couldn't read Cyrillic and made mistakes. Mr. Johansson later altered the software to address the glitch.

Ah, yes. Write furiously and publish precipitately; consider getting it right at leisure. And never, ever, mention the users who were ill-served while you did things backwards.


Hobby Lobby

We now understand that not only are corporations persons and therefore have the right to broadcast their political opinions and to support their favored political candidates with scads of simoleons, they also may have and promote religious views even to the extent of declaring themselves exempt from certain provisions of federal law.

So far this latest freedom, found somewhere in the emanations from a penumbra surrounding a certain exegesis of Leviticus, is confined to “closely held” corporations, meaning one owned by what in other circumstances might be called a cabal, or even a conspiracy.

Consider a group of six family members or six close friends of compatible religious views. They form a company -- let’s call it, oh, Rummy Dummy (they manufacture pacifiers for winos) -- and go about doing the usual things that businesspeople do, like hire and fire people and play golf and fiddle the petty cash. Six human persons. And the corporation, the courts tell us, is also a person. So how many persons do we have here? Six? or seven?

Let’s imagine that there is to be a vote to adopt a favored translation of the Old Testament. How many persons are qualified to vote? If the answer is seven, how is that seventh vote decided on and actually cast? Once each of the six human persons has spoken, in what voice does the corporation speak? Whose hand marks its ballot? Whose drops it in the ballot box? Or is one of the six actually just voting twice?

I’m sure there is a rich history behind the legal fiction that corporations are persons. I might be interested in reading about it one day. But surely the time has come to shift our focus, and that of the courts, from “legal” to “fiction.” For it seems that corporations suddenly become “persons” when it suits them and revert to abstractions other times. When a corporation shows up for jury duty or is drafted into the army or gets ten days in the can for jaywalking, then I’ll consider its personhood seriously, and not before.

The “person” metaphor ought to be taken out and shot.


In Montana

A friend is at this moment visiting in southwestern Montana and has sent me several photographs of beautiful vistas, with varieties of wildflowers in the foreground and majestic mountains in the distance. Quite a lovely place, at least in the non-winter portion of the year.

I’ve not seen much of the state, but in the course of several visits to Billings a couple of decades ago when my son was in school there, I made a few sociological observations. Chief among these was the strong tendency for Montana men to have quite prominent bellies. But they weren't the slack, jiggly paunches of the effete East or the mac-and-cheese Midwest. No, these babies were taut, round, and disciplined. Size apart, they were all very similar, no matter how various their owners might appear in other ways. The suspicion gradually formed that they might actually be cultivated. Confirmation dawned, for me, at least, one day when I spied a young fellow, obviously only in his 20s, tall and slim -- what once would have been deemed "wiry" -- except for a small but undeniable hemisphere on the ventral aspect of his abdomen.

The rest of the picture quickly fell into place. These men, to a man, wore blue jeans. Tight blue jeans. But not tight across the belly. No, they were tightly cinched up below it, held there by a wide belt with a buckle the size of a saucer, which, quite clearly, they could not see. Between the cinching and the pointy-toed boots they had, or pretended to have, the legs of someone, as my mother used to say, "raised on a horse." This then caused them to walk as though aboard a reaching sailboat. Above the jeans would be a a tightly fitted shirt,usually plaid and always buttoned at the collar. Topping off the ensemble, a Stetson or simulacrum thereof.

I have no idea how this bit of male display is achieved. Diet alone cannot be the way. Beer and barbeque will make anyone fat, but these fellows are not promiscuously fat. Perhaps there are exercises that create that central hummock, some sort of anti-crunches that build up a mass of anti-abs. More intriguing is the question of why? Is this a form of sexual display, like the peacock's tail? Are the women of Montana attracted by these round little, or not so little, bellies as signs of prosperousness? Do they promise more than average sexual satisfaction?

Methinks I hear some great Ozymandias of Montana proclaiming “Look on my belly, ye Mighty, and despair.”